I’m here at work with no work to do because all of my computer programs are in the process of being updated, so I thought I’d write about some things that have been on my mind lately. Well, one thing really – being alone.
That sounds more depressed than I mean it to. I guess it would be more accurate to say being on my own. It’s something I’ve dealt with for 15 years now, and still don’t feel like I’m good at it.
I’ll start with a story. Back in 2002 my parents moved here to Salt Lake and stayed for two years. They had a very pretty house out west of Eagle Mountain, and the plan was that they would spend their retirement years close to most of their children and grandchildren. I loved it. But my Dad hated Utah, absolutely hated it. There were lots of reasons for that that I won’t go into now, especially since it was a long time ago and doesn’t matter anymore. They moved back to Minnesota in the fall of 2004. It was heartbreaking for me. I suppose I took it all more personally than I should have, but sometimes it’s hard not to take the things your parents do personally. I’m not still hurt that they left, not at all. It has all worked out well. I’m telling this little piece of my life because it was then that I came to know a factor of being on my own that I hadn’t faced before, and that was that my family could do whatever they wanted, and my feelings about their decisions really did not matter. They were not in any way obligated to consider me.
Being single, I still rely on my parents and siblings to be my family. Marrieds with children usually think of that group, the spouse and kids, when they think of their family. But not me, not any of us who have never been married. Our family is still those that we grew up with. Over the years as my siblings’ own families have grown and become more defined, I’ve had to realize that they have obligations, responsibilities, commitments, and their strongest emotional ties to their spouses and children, which is exactly right and good. I wouldn’t have them feel differently, but it leaves me in a vulnerable position. Any of them could go, like my parents did, or could make other life decisions that would profoundly affect me, and in which my voice would have no meaning, and they wouldn’t have to listen to it. It’s a helpless feeling.
I love my family very much, and I’m sure that they love me. I’m certainly not saying that they don’t care if I live or die. They’ve always included me in Sunday dinners, holidays, dance recitals, birthdays. I’ve loved every minute that I’ve spent with my nieces and nephews, and am always grateful that my siblings are willing to share their kids. Still, when we’re all together I often feel like I am outside of their family circle, on the fringe, looking in. And I’m always well aware of the fact that those kids aren’t mine. And sometimes I’m drained by loving so much something that isn’t mine.
Years ago I was talking to a good and very wise friend at work about my emotional instability (he was always very nice about my emotional instability), and he said something that has stuck with me, “You can’t define how you feel about yourself by what others think of you." Or, I'll add, by how much you think you mean to them, or by how important you are in their lives. Heck, most of the time when we try to figure out what others are thinking of us we get it wrong, so that’s nothing to go on. I’ve thought about that advice hundreds of times since then, and have tried to apply it. It isn’t good for me to be constantly at risk of a mental breakdown depending on what other people say or do. Ridiculous, and yet it’s so easy for me to put myself in that place, and so hard to feel strong enough on my own to have emotional stability.
So after all of that, here’s my point – I am trying to find my own strength, independence and self-assurance. I’m trying to feel like my existence is worth something, all on its own, without the label of wife or mother, without the validation that comes from being listened to or considered in everything. I want to feel good about myself and my life all by myself. I want some peace.
Life is a transitional thing. We move through it in stages. Children grow up and move away; marriages sometimes dissolve; there’s death. I’m sure that eventually everyone faces a time when they have to do what I’m doing. I have a friend whose father died more than ten years ago, and her mother, who was in her sixties at the time, had to for the first time live on her own, and found even the simplest decisions hard to make. My parents committed themselves whole-heartedly to raising their six children, and now we’re all off on our own. I’m sure that they’d love to have us there in Minnesota, but all of those years of them giving so much to their children didn’t mean that we’d stay with them. I went 1200 miles away. My niece Sierra will leave for school in a month, and will for the first time be on her own. She’s at that point in her life when this is exactly what she should be doing, and I’m sure that she’ll love it. But I also know that it’s freaking her out, and for good reason. There’s a huge learning curve ahead, and she’ll have to learn to depend on herself. She knows, though, of course, that she has all of her family’s love and prayers behind her, including mine. I pray for all of the kids, every day. And maybe there are people praying for me too. I know that my parents do (in fact my dad writes me letters now, which is so much fun).
So eventually most of us live in a place by ourselves, and when that happens we have to know how to live happily alone. We have to have personal definition that is independent of anyone else and that can thrive on its own strength. We need God. We need prayer. We need the Holy Spirit to give assurance, and we need to know that we are worth something all on our own – as one single individual. Gosh it’s hard, and I really am not good at it, but I want to be. I pray for it. Relationships are wonderful; they are what makes life worth all of the trouble. Cultivate them and keep them alive and well, and include in that work the relationship you have with God, and with yourself.
I’m going to end with one of my favorite quotes, from a TV show (ok it’s Sex and the City, but don’t tell anyone).
“…I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous”.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Part II
An Addendum
I forgot an important part of my week in A Week in Review - I got my roommate back. Melissa has been in Connecticut with her sister for the last month and came home on Wednesday. It's good to have her around again. And...she brought me a present! They found a bookshop that had a collection of old books, and she found for me a copy of "The Works of Victor Hugo", printed in 1928. I have a small collection of old books, so this was very exciting. I honestly had chills when she gave it to me. I don't know that I told her that; Melissa, I got chills.
I've mentioned before an inclination toward being an introvert. I think that I could easily become a hermit if given the chance, and that wouldn't be good for me. It is good for me to have a friend around. Melissa and I don't always see eye-to-eye, and I'm sure that some of my obsessive compulsive, often irritable behavior gets on her nerves. But still we do well together, and I always know that I can count on her, and that's a nice thing to have around.
So welcome back! And thanks for the book.
I forgot an important part of my week in A Week in Review - I got my roommate back. Melissa has been in Connecticut with her sister for the last month and came home on Wednesday. It's good to have her around again. And...she brought me a present! They found a bookshop that had a collection of old books, and she found for me a copy of "The Works of Victor Hugo", printed in 1928. I have a small collection of old books, so this was very exciting. I honestly had chills when she gave it to me. I don't know that I told her that; Melissa, I got chills.
I've mentioned before an inclination toward being an introvert. I think that I could easily become a hermit if given the chance, and that wouldn't be good for me. It is good for me to have a friend around. Melissa and I don't always see eye-to-eye, and I'm sure that some of my obsessive compulsive, often irritable behavior gets on her nerves. But still we do well together, and I always know that I can count on her, and that's a nice thing to have around.
So welcome back! And thanks for the book.
A Week in Review
Hello! It’s Friday, and the weather here has finally cooled down, only 78 degrees today, and I am going to take a good walk up through Memory Grove and City Creek Canyon in about half an hour and am really looking forward to it. Before that, let’s talk about A Week in Review.
William
Speaking of talking, William likes to talk on the phone. He’s not actually saying words yet, other than hi, but he loves to be on the phone and to listen to me talk to him. Every time I call Marla, he wants to talk, and then he doesn’t want to give the phone back to her. The solution to this is that Marla gives him one phone, and then she uses the other, and he actually stays on the line with us for our whole conversation. He listens, and then will shout something out, so we talk to him, and then he’s quiet again while we talk. It’s the funniest thing. He has a little “desk” set up in the living room with a toy computer, and sometimes he sits there while on the phone, just like a grownup. So cute.
Housekeeping
I’m reading a great book called “Housekeeping” by Marilynne Robinson and am loving it. I picked it up on a recommendation from my good friend Nicole, who’s kept it as a favorite for years. It’s told from the perspective of a young girl who has lost her parents, and is living with her sister and her aunt. The story goes back to tell about her grandparents and then her mother, and it’s just so beautifully done. Robinson also wrote “Gilead”, which I was carrying on about a few months ago. I don’t know the words to describe her writing other than deep and beautiful. It’s a joy to read, and compared to her so many others seem hollow. Go get this book. Right now.
SYTYCD
I watched the finale of So You Think You Can Dance last night (man that’s a long name for a show), and it was wonderful. I didn’t really have a favorite to win, every one of the final four were great, so I just enjoyed the dancing. I know I go on about SYTYCD, and that’s a little bit cheesy, but some of what they do honestly touches my heart. There were dances this year which so perfectly expressed real struggles, like addiction, breast cancer, the journey through life, and it’s just remarkable to me that they can so perfectly and fluidly express all of the emotions just with movement. I’m amazed. I’ve honestly cried watching them. Another season is starting up again in September (am I ready to jump back in so soon?), so if you haven’t tried this show yet, there’s another chance.
Here’s something from last this week’s finale, the one about life’s journey. I love how they go back and forth, and then stop and center their focus in the right direction, so metaphorical, and beautiful.
That's it for this week. Thanks, as always, for your own lovely loveliness.
You are loved.
William
Speaking of talking, William likes to talk on the phone. He’s not actually saying words yet, other than hi, but he loves to be on the phone and to listen to me talk to him. Every time I call Marla, he wants to talk, and then he doesn’t want to give the phone back to her. The solution to this is that Marla gives him one phone, and then she uses the other, and he actually stays on the line with us for our whole conversation. He listens, and then will shout something out, so we talk to him, and then he’s quiet again while we talk. It’s the funniest thing. He has a little “desk” set up in the living room with a toy computer, and sometimes he sits there while on the phone, just like a grownup. So cute.
Housekeeping
I’m reading a great book called “Housekeeping” by Marilynne Robinson and am loving it. I picked it up on a recommendation from my good friend Nicole, who’s kept it as a favorite for years. It’s told from the perspective of a young girl who has lost her parents, and is living with her sister and her aunt. The story goes back to tell about her grandparents and then her mother, and it’s just so beautifully done. Robinson also wrote “Gilead”, which I was carrying on about a few months ago. I don’t know the words to describe her writing other than deep and beautiful. It’s a joy to read, and compared to her so many others seem hollow. Go get this book. Right now.
SYTYCD
I watched the finale of So You Think You Can Dance last night (man that’s a long name for a show), and it was wonderful. I didn’t really have a favorite to win, every one of the final four were great, so I just enjoyed the dancing. I know I go on about SYTYCD, and that’s a little bit cheesy, but some of what they do honestly touches my heart. There were dances this year which so perfectly expressed real struggles, like addiction, breast cancer, the journey through life, and it’s just remarkable to me that they can so perfectly and fluidly express all of the emotions just with movement. I’m amazed. I’ve honestly cried watching them. Another season is starting up again in September (am I ready to jump back in so soon?), so if you haven’t tried this show yet, there’s another chance.
Here’s something from last this week’s finale, the one about life’s journey. I love how they go back and forth, and then stop and center their focus in the right direction, so metaphorical, and beautiful.
That's it for this week. Thanks, as always, for your own lovely loveliness.
You are loved.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I'VE GOT AN ISSUE!
Those of you who have worked retail, which is just about all of you, know just how (insert string of obscenities, shouted) the general public can be. I was at the store last night, and two of my BIGGEST irritants seemed to happen over and over again.
1 - Why do people bring up to the register stuff that they do not want to buy? They dump it off with me to put away. Man I hate that. Last night a woman came to me with a bracelet and said that she had another one like it on hold. So I went and got the one held for her, and then asked if she was buying both. Oh no, she only wanted the one that was on hold. Well then why did you bring me another one?! And then later that night a lady who wanted very much to tell me all about why her back hurt when I simply did not care had about 8 items in her hands, and said that she was still trying to decide what to buy. Shouldn't that have been done before coming to check out? The cash register is not the place for decision making. Honestly. So we rang stuff through, and she asked me every few items what her total was, and then she'd think it over, and then told me they were going to Lagoon for her son's birthday, so she couldn't spend much money, and in the end left 3 items behind, because she knew that there's nothing I love more than putting away all of this stuff.
At one point I said to Frank, my manager, "If I had all power and could rule the world, I would stop people from bringing to the register things they do not want to buy." He laughed and agreed that it is really annoying, and then said that it's like they pick something up off of the shelf just to tell us that they don't want it, and then he picked up a book and handed it to me, "Here, I'm not going to buy this."
The thing is, they never offer to put things away themselves. We're not a huge store, like Target, so it's not a half-mile walk back to where an item belongs. Sure it's ok to go to a register to ask what the price is on something, but then if you don't want it, take it back to where you found it! Don't leave a mess for someone else to clean up. That's just common courtesy.
2 - Speaking of putting things away, after we closed last night Frank asked me if I would clean up the children's area before going home. I walked to that section and found a GIANT mess. There were piles of books everywhere. Everywhere! What is wrong with people? Don't we all remember our mothers telling us to put things back where we found them? Why don't today's mothers tell their children the same thing? We have people leave their kids in the children's area, go do their own shopping (some have actually left the store) and then come back, grab their kid and go, without giving any attention to the mess their kid has made. That is not ok. That has never been ok. It will never be ok. So it goes without saying that it's also not ok to let your kid rip up a book and then leave it on the floor.
The nerve of some people.
Those are my issues. Thanks for listening.
1 - Why do people bring up to the register stuff that they do not want to buy? They dump it off with me to put away. Man I hate that. Last night a woman came to me with a bracelet and said that she had another one like it on hold. So I went and got the one held for her, and then asked if she was buying both. Oh no, she only wanted the one that was on hold. Well then why did you bring me another one?! And then later that night a lady who wanted very much to tell me all about why her back hurt when I simply did not care had about 8 items in her hands, and said that she was still trying to decide what to buy. Shouldn't that have been done before coming to check out? The cash register is not the place for decision making. Honestly. So we rang stuff through, and she asked me every few items what her total was, and then she'd think it over, and then told me they were going to Lagoon for her son's birthday, so she couldn't spend much money, and in the end left 3 items behind, because she knew that there's nothing I love more than putting away all of this stuff.
At one point I said to Frank, my manager, "If I had all power and could rule the world, I would stop people from bringing to the register things they do not want to buy." He laughed and agreed that it is really annoying, and then said that it's like they pick something up off of the shelf just to tell us that they don't want it, and then he picked up a book and handed it to me, "Here, I'm not going to buy this."
The thing is, they never offer to put things away themselves. We're not a huge store, like Target, so it's not a half-mile walk back to where an item belongs. Sure it's ok to go to a register to ask what the price is on something, but then if you don't want it, take it back to where you found it! Don't leave a mess for someone else to clean up. That's just common courtesy.
2 - Speaking of putting things away, after we closed last night Frank asked me if I would clean up the children's area before going home. I walked to that section and found a GIANT mess. There were piles of books everywhere. Everywhere! What is wrong with people? Don't we all remember our mothers telling us to put things back where we found them? Why don't today's mothers tell their children the same thing? We have people leave their kids in the children's area, go do their own shopping (some have actually left the store) and then come back, grab their kid and go, without giving any attention to the mess their kid has made. That is not ok. That has never been ok. It will never be ok. So it goes without saying that it's also not ok to let your kid rip up a book and then leave it on the floor.
The nerve of some people.
Those are my issues. Thanks for listening.
Friday, July 31, 2009
A Week in Review
It's been two weeks since I've written this, so you'd think I'd have something interesting to say. I hope you're not too disappointed. Let's do a Week in Review.
Hashbrown Winters
My bookstore manager, Frank Cole, has written a book! And I read it, and think that it is definitely worth recommending. It's a middle reader, good for kids, especially boys, is quick and easy to read, has a lot of good humor, and is just fun. You can buy it at DB, of course, and it's available at Barnes and Noble, and through Amazon.com.
In other readings, I'm in the middle of a short novel by John Steinbeck, "The Moon is Down". It's great. I've loved Steinbeck for years. His style is so simple. He can take a profound idea, and in two sentences give it clarity, and I think "Yeah, that's it." I've always been amazed by how does that. This book mysterious. Not a mystery novel, but the story is told in a way that leaves me wondering what's really going on. An invading troop has taken over a city and are establishing rule... other than that I don't know. I'm sure it will come together in the end, and be very intriguing, and I'm eager to get to it.
The 24th
I had great plans for the 24th of July - cleaning out my closet. Man it's a mess, and has been for a long time. After a good sleep in I was laying about and thinking that it was time to get to work when I checked my phone, and Marla had called! So I called back. They were going to the pool! Did I want to come with? Well, I do have this closet....of course I'm coming with! It was good, good fun, and I needed it. All of the previous week I'd been feeling kind of sorry for myself. I hadn't had any summertime fun, no sunshine, no relaxing. The pool was just the thing to kick me out of my slump. I was horrified, though, by how blindingly white my legs are.
It was William's first time at the pool. He was in a very cute Speedo jumper-style suit, and was rubbed down with enough sun screen to keep him safe through the 5th grade. It looked like Marla was buttering up a turkey. He was nervous about the water at first. Marla held him and splashed water on his legs, and we all acted like we were having the most fun ever. I'd dip under the water and then came up and said "boo", which he loves. "Boo" is the best way to make him smile. Until Jonah does it. Jonah get right in his face and yells "BOOOO!" like a crazy person and terrifies the poor kid. Not helping. But eventually Will took to the water, and we "swam" him back and forth between us, and he giggled and laughed. So sweet.
The pool is my ultimate luxury. I just love it. I love laying in a chair and feeling my skin sizzle, and then walking into the cold water. I love being in deep water and just floating there, and being surrounded by it. Nothing is more relaxing for me. It's wonderful.
After swimming we got some pizzas, and then shot off home-style fireworks in the street after dark. It was such a good day. Very good indeed.
I think that's it for now. A short edition of a Week in Review.
Thanks, as always, for you constant greatness.
You are loved.
Hashbrown Winters
My bookstore manager, Frank Cole, has written a book! And I read it, and think that it is definitely worth recommending. It's a middle reader, good for kids, especially boys, is quick and easy to read, has a lot of good humor, and is just fun. You can buy it at DB, of course, and it's available at Barnes and Noble, and through Amazon.com.
In other readings, I'm in the middle of a short novel by John Steinbeck, "The Moon is Down". It's great. I've loved Steinbeck for years. His style is so simple. He can take a profound idea, and in two sentences give it clarity, and I think "Yeah, that's it." I've always been amazed by how does that. This book mysterious. Not a mystery novel, but the story is told in a way that leaves me wondering what's really going on. An invading troop has taken over a city and are establishing rule... other than that I don't know. I'm sure it will come together in the end, and be very intriguing, and I'm eager to get to it.
The 24th
I had great plans for the 24th of July - cleaning out my closet. Man it's a mess, and has been for a long time. After a good sleep in I was laying about and thinking that it was time to get to work when I checked my phone, and Marla had called! So I called back. They were going to the pool! Did I want to come with? Well, I do have this closet....of course I'm coming with! It was good, good fun, and I needed it. All of the previous week I'd been feeling kind of sorry for myself. I hadn't had any summertime fun, no sunshine, no relaxing. The pool was just the thing to kick me out of my slump. I was horrified, though, by how blindingly white my legs are.
It was William's first time at the pool. He was in a very cute Speedo jumper-style suit, and was rubbed down with enough sun screen to keep him safe through the 5th grade. It looked like Marla was buttering up a turkey. He was nervous about the water at first. Marla held him and splashed water on his legs, and we all acted like we were having the most fun ever. I'd dip under the water and then came up and said "boo", which he loves. "Boo" is the best way to make him smile. Until Jonah does it. Jonah get right in his face and yells "BOOOO!" like a crazy person and terrifies the poor kid. Not helping. But eventually Will took to the water, and we "swam" him back and forth between us, and he giggled and laughed. So sweet.
The pool is my ultimate luxury. I just love it. I love laying in a chair and feeling my skin sizzle, and then walking into the cold water. I love being in deep water and just floating there, and being surrounded by it. Nothing is more relaxing for me. It's wonderful.
After swimming we got some pizzas, and then shot off home-style fireworks in the street after dark. It was such a good day. Very good indeed.
I think that's it for now. A short edition of a Week in Review.
Thanks, as always, for you constant greatness.
You are loved.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
A President Visits a President
President Monson and Elder Oaks visited President Obama last week and gave him his genealogical records. The article is in the Church News, and here's the link if you're interested. I thought it was very good.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I've got an Issue!
I've got an idea for a new feature called "I've got an Issue!" It will be me yelling about something that's bugging me. I think you'll really enjoy it. Today that something is:
Sarah Palin
I hold no bad feelings toward ex-Governor Palin, I just want her to go away. Yesterday after church I turned on the tv for a little news, and CNN had nothing but their anchor in the newsroom talking with a reporter in Alaska who was waiting for the big Palin speech. Boring. That lasted about 3 minutes before I turned off the tv. Today I pulled up some news websites, just to see her face all over them. BAH! Why is everyone making such a big deal out of the fact that she quit her job? When in the history of the universe has a former candidate for vice-president gotten this kind of attention? And honestly, what's she done to deserve it? I do not understand.
If this resignation from the govenor's seat means that she's "going national" and is going to be in our faces all of the time, I will not be happy.
That's my issue. Thank you for listening.
Sarah Palin
I hold no bad feelings toward ex-Governor Palin, I just want her to go away. Yesterday after church I turned on the tv for a little news, and CNN had nothing but their anchor in the newsroom talking with a reporter in Alaska who was waiting for the big Palin speech. Boring. That lasted about 3 minutes before I turned off the tv. Today I pulled up some news websites, just to see her face all over them. BAH! Why is everyone making such a big deal out of the fact that she quit her job? When in the history of the universe has a former candidate for vice-president gotten this kind of attention? And honestly, what's she done to deserve it? I do not understand.
If this resignation from the govenor's seat means that she's "going national" and is going to be in our faces all of the time, I will not be happy.
That's my issue. Thank you for listening.
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